Going Un-Crazy Part i

Here in Boston, the rain is coming down hard. I'm wondering more and more what the weather will be like in France... in Paris... in Champagne.. in Bourgogne... in the Rhone... in the Riviera/Provence. Iza has been so wonderful, telling me all about her experiences in la belle France. What to expect. What to un-expect. What to be ready for. Everything I am ill-equipped for. The f-ing euro and all of its profound implications of my lack of money (side note - thank you Auntie, Nana, and Dad!).

Just a few days away and I feel homeless already. I feel extreme self-doubt, anxiety, unpreparedness, craziness, and of course, self-deprecation. If Caitlin were here right now, standing by my side, she would say, "What do you think you're awesome or something?" and I would say, "Yeah, but no.." and instantly do my hunchback thing that I do when I'm un-proud. I feel so proud of myself for mustering the courage to walk away from everything. I feel so un-proud of myself for walking away from everything. This is the dichotomy of my life. Feeling the same feeling in two different ways. All the time. But in France, it will be strictly linear. A trajectory of fulfillment and understanding and loving and caring and learning that will surpass all other experiential learning experiences that I have ever had. And I will laugh and I will cry. And I will eat and I will drink. And I will read and I will write. And I'll be all Helen Keller and "waa waa" with it. I will become enlightened. And you can't stop me.

I'll write emails and postcards and secret un-love letters. It will be wonderful. And then I'll Green Chartreuse expedite things and I'll be back before I know it.

CorkDork